Most people’s childhoods are amazing. Most people’s parents are great. Most families are perfect (apart from that one annoying sibling… obviously).
If you read that and thought “Nope, nope, nope”, then you’re going to find this article very interesting. If you read it and thought “Yep”... stop everything you’re doing and pay attention.
That’s not a suggestion, it’s a prescription (as much as is possible through a screen) from your faithful relationship companion.
Before we dive in, let me just clarify something:
We’ve all heard of “toxic” relationships and “toxic” communication. It’s a word that gets thrown around more than sleeping pills in the Wolf of Wall Street.
I’ll be honest, I hate that word. I think it lacks nuance and lays it on a bit thick. But for the sake of keeping things short, I’ll be using it here. Just remember that what I actually mean is “a behavior pattern that disconnects you from yourself and others”.
I’ll use italics to remind you. This is me programming your brain right now. Behoooold.
Now, the reason I think it’s a sh*tty word is that it sounds so “bad” that we tend to have only extreme examples come to mind. And we fail to notice all the more subtle and frequent ways in which we can be toxic.
Putting aside actual deliberate abuse by a parent or role model; most of these toxic patterns are carried out subconsciously by our parents, who adopted them from their parents. And so on and so on.
Hopefully, this is an opportunity for you to stop the spread. A sort of vaccine for the unconscious. An intimacy booster. But don’t worry, nobody’s forcing you to take this one 😉.
The truth is, no childhood is perfect. And those who think theirs was are sometimes the most traumatised. (I was one of those, so no judgment.)
One of the consequences of that trauma is something that’s been very well studied but never really made it out to the mainstream:
A little something called Attachment Theory.
Attachment Theory was coined by British and American psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
It’s all about how you behave in a romantic relationship based on the early emotional connection that you form with your primary caregiver - generally your mum.
To keep it simple, it goes something like this:
If your mum made you feel safe and understood as a baby, then you develop a secure attachment style. As an adult you’ll generally be confident, trusting, comfortable with conflict and able to respond to intimacy in healthy ways.
Anything short of that and you develop an insecure attachment style. That can mean avoiding or feeling awkward around intimacy. It can also mean being clingy, fearful, or anxious in relationships.
There are 4 different styles of attachment. 1 is secure, the 3 others are variations of the insecure style depending on what happened to you.
The numbers vary depending on the study, but on average 58% of people have a secure attachment style, and 85% of children develop the same attachment style as their parents.
If you do the math, that’s 58% in our parents’ generation (from which this research roughly dates back to), and 85% of those in our generation. **That means that a little over half of us have insecure attachment styles.
You wouldn’t believe how the communication in your relationship improves when you and your partner identify your attachment styles.
I’m talking night and day.
If you’re secure, that’s awesome. And you can be a strong force of support for a partner that isn’t, provided you understand insecure attachments and how to spot them.
So without further ado, here goes:
Sometimes also referred to as Resistant Attachment. If this is you, you tend to have a constant need for love and attention, which you might feel embarrassed about it. You may also feel drained by constant worry that your partner doesn’t love you as much, or that they will leave you.
Some tell-tale signs are:
Relationships tend to take over your life, they become the centrepiece of everything.
You crave closeness but feel like you can’t fully trust your partner.
You feel threatened by the notion of space between you and your partner. It makes you afraid or anxious that this means your S/O wants to leave.
You constantly look for reassurance.
This is the most common type of attachment. With this style, emotional intimacy is something you find hard to handle or be around. You will tend to be quite independant and feel threatened or suffocated by closeness and intimacy.
Some tell-tale signs are:
You’re uncomfortable with your own emotions. Partners might accuse you of being distant, cold or intolerant. You will typically respond that they are too needy.
You might have a tendency to play down your partner’s emotions, keep secrets, cheat or even end the relationship to feel free again.
You are independent to the point where you feel completely self-sufficient and that you don’t need others to take care of you.
You tend to prefer flings, or choose partners who are also “independent’... which is another way of saying “just as emotionally distant as you”.
The closer someone tries to get to you the more you want to run for the hills.
As a side note, this one can be hard to overcome because it is easily confused with healthy independence. Although you’re human and therefore wired to crave closeness and connection, it’ll be very hard to spot in yourself. The fear of intimacy can be so strong that you will push it deep (deep) down.
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This style can be hard to overcome because it’s easily confused with healthy independence. Although you’re human and therefore wired to crave closeness and connection, it’ll be very hard to spot that need in yourself. The fear of intimacy can be so strong that you might have pushed it deep (deep) down.
This style is rarer. If this is you, it’s very likely you never learned to self-soothe your emotions. Relationships and the world in general will feel scary and unsafe. If you experience abuse early on, you might also replicate that in your relationship.
Some tell-tale signs are:
Drug/alcohol abuse, or being quick to aggression and violence.
Intimate relationships will feel very confusing. You may tend to swing between extreme feelings of love and hate for your partner.
You might feel unworthy of love or absolutely terrified of being hurt.
People around you might often accuse you of not being accountable for your actions.
If you recognise yourself in any of these, don’t panic. This is the beginning of a journey towards a happier you.
These styles can 100% change, and you can move towards a more secure form of attachment as an adult.
The best thing to do is to have a conversation with your partner and both try to identify where you are at. Obviously there’s a right and a wrong way to do this.
You should only ever be talking about yourself. Don’t try and point out things that you think you noticed about your partner. Let them come to their own conclusions.
Because 1) you could be wrong, and 2) you likely already have plenty to deal with on your own plate. Remember: This isn’t the US presidential debate, you’re a team.
From there, you can understand each other better, and help each other move towards something that feels safe for the both of you.
Can you imagine how strong your relationship would be if you overcame these issues together?
That’s all for now… Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’ll see you in the next one.
P.S.: Keep at it. You’re helping build a brighter future and a healthier world.
And if you ever need a breath of fresh air from all this deep work you’re doing together: your own personalised date night is just a finger tap away on Kupl.
You deserve a little reward for all that effort!
Written by
David From Marketing 🤷🏻♂️
I create content to serve Kupl’s mission of strengthening connection and intimacy in relationships. My main drive is to help bring more self-awareness to ourselves and our relationships, and hopefully, more kindness into our world.
I’m looking forward to sharing ideas with you. I hope they’ll help you as much as they continue to help me.
