One of the biggest reasons couples cite for long-term relationships failing is “growing apart”.
That’s a scary idea because it’s a problem that’s hard to solve once it’s happened, and we don’t tend to see it coming.
The good news is with a little bit of foresight and by doing the right things, you can prevent more problems than you might think.
But sometimes the right things are not what you’d expect… Cue the headline: Spending time apart.
Spending time apart to avoid growing apart? +100 logic points.
I know, it might seem like a strange one. But if you think about it, it makes sense.
The most important thing for your relationship to be fulfilling is intimacy. Intimacy is the be all end all. It looks different for everyone, but if you have that, you can face most problems as a team.
And it’d make sense to think: “Well, if we just spend lots of quality time together we’ll build up intimacy.”
But intimacy is very easily confused with fusion. The difference?
Intimacy is the overlap where you and your partner’s individualities meet. It’s the old 1+1=3. Picture a Venn diagram (GCSE throwback). It’s that little middle section between the two circles.
Fusion on the other hand, is the opposite. It’s the melting of both of you into a single blob thing. Now that blob might feel better than sex, your socks matching, and a 2am not-so-sober BigMac all combined, but it’s not sustainable. One of you or both of you is losing their sense of self.
When that happens, the problem isn’t a lack of closeness but too much closeness. And that’s why you “don’t see it coming”. Because you’re spending all this time together on paper, and then one day the merging has gone so far that you realise: “Hang on, I have nothing to say to you.”
At that point it can be tricky to patch things up because you may not feel like you even want to anymore.
So without further ado, here’s 5 concrete ways spending time apart will strengthen your relationship.
Being constantly together, can easily start to feel like a Netflix show you've watched one too many times.
But spending time apart doing your own thing? That's like adding new episodes to your relationship's playlist. Maybe you picked up pottery while your partner got into rock climbing.
Suddenly, you've got stories to share, skills to teach each other, and fresh perspectives to bring to the table. It's like being interesting people who happen to be in love, rather than just being "Sarah and Tom who never do anything separately." (Formal apologies to the Sarahs and Toms)
Remember those butterflies you got when you first started dating? They don't have to disappear entirely. When you spend quality time apart, you actually create space for those feelings to resurface.
It's like that first sip of coffee in the morning – it hits different when you've been looking forward to it. Your partner's laugh becomes music again, not just background noise.
And let's be honest, there's something special about getting those "I miss you" texts that make you smile like a teenager.
It's not just a question of doing different things than your partner – it's also about investing in yourself. Hit the gym, read that book that's been sitting on your nightstand, learn a new language, or finally start that side hustle you've been dreaming about.
When you work on yourself, you become more confident, more capable, and honestly, more attractive. Remember: your partner fell in love with YOU, not the person who lost their identity to Netflix binges and takeout orders.
You know the saying that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
Well, strategic time apart lets you appreciate what you've got before it's gone. That little annoying habit of theirs? After a day apart, it might not seem so annoying anymore.
Plus, when you're not constantly in each other's space, you start to filter out what's worth bringing up. That socks-on-the-floor issue might not steal the show when you value the time you spend together more.
Think of your relationship like a smartphone – it needs regular charging to function well. Your alone time is that charging station.
Whether it's through meditation, catching up with friends, or just having a peaceful morning routine, taking care of your mental health makes you a better partner.
You can't pour from an empty cup, and you definitely can't build a healthy relationship if you're running on empty.
Here's the thing – you don't need to book separate vacations or live in different cities to make this work. Start small:
Join different hobby groups
Have regular catch-ups with your own friends
Take solo trips to the gym
Spend an evening pursuing your own interests while sharing the same space
Plan one "me day" each week
Growing together doesn't mean growing attached at the hip. The strongest relationships are built by two whole people who choose to share their lives, not two half-people trying to become whole through each other. By spending quality time apart, you're actually investing in your togetherness.
Remember: Your relationship is like fine wine – it gets better with time, but it needs the right conditions to age well. Sometimes those conditions include giving each other space to breathe, grow, and come back together stronger than ever.
Ready to start? Pick one thing from this article and try it this week. Your future self (and your relationship) will thank you for it.
P.S. If you're reading this and thinking "But we already spend too much time apart, we want to spend time together!" – that's a different article altogether. We’ll get to that in the next one!
Written by
David From Marketing 🤷🏻♂️
I create content to serve Kupl’s mission of strengthening connection and intimacy in relationships. My main drive is to help bring more self-awareness to ourselves and our relationships, and hopefully, more kindness into our world.
I’m looking forward to sharing ideas with you. I hope they’ll help you as much as they continue to help me.
