Fighting For Good: 5 Strategies For Productive Conflict

Productive conflict?

If that sounds strange to you, just know you’re not alone. It certainly did to me the first time I heard it.

But if we take a little step back, it kind of makes sense.

You’ve probably heard of the old yin/yang, light/dark, and so on.

The idea is that opposing forces are what keep balance. It’s a constant of the universe we live in. You feel warm, compared to when you feel colder. Sad, compared to when you’re happier. Etc, etc…

Applying this idea to relationships means that to have peace, love and harmony, we also need the opposing force. Otherwise there’s nothing to compare that peace to. It’s all just “meh”.

Conflict gives us something to rub up against. It allows us to question ourselves and grow.

But there’s conflict and conflit. And when practiced the wrong way, things can get reaaaal ugly.

The thing is, unless you were raised by couple’s counsellors or FBI negotiators, we don’t get taught any of this most of the time.

So in this article I’m excited to share 5 very practical conflict tips with you.

5 ideas that have helped me better manage conflict, and on some occasion turn coal into diamonds.

Self Awareness

Now I know that word gets thrown around a lot. It might even be tinkering on the edge of cliché.

But it’s the building block on which to build everything else, and we tend to overestimate how self-aware we are quite a bit.

The hard part is that we’re not the rational creatures we think we are. We aren’t in control of our thoughts. Our thoughts are generated in response to our emotions. And a lot of that stuff tends to be unconscious.

An example of being self-aware is being able to observe yourself - the way you would watch someone else - in real time, whilst holding a conversation with someone. Being present both to them and to yourself. Which, at first, is harder than you’d expect.

The first step is noticing thoughts as they appear in your mind. Then you can start to connect those thoughts to the root emotion in real time.

You know that moment where you’re in the shower rehearsing how you would have wanted to react to that one situation? And then it happens again and you don’t stick to your carefully crafted script.

That’s the kind of thing that self-awareness will help you with. It’s a super important life skill that will help you react to things consciously rather than automatically.

In the context of conflict, it’ll allow you to actively calm yourself down, so that you can react the way you want to and use all the other tips in this article effectively.

Anyone can build self awareness. It’s just a question of being consistent!

There’s many ways you can go about it, but daily meditation (even just 5 minutes) is a very good start.

Don’t overcomplicate it. Just focus on your breath, not controlling it, just listening to it. And every time you realise you’ve gone into your thoughts, go back to listening to your breath.

That’s all it is. Like doing curls at the gym. You’re doing mind curls.

Language Mirroring

The reason arguments tend to escalate into huge blow ups is that we don’t tend listen to each other when we get riled up.

We feel unheard or misunderstood. And we just dig deeper and deeper into our trenches. Eventually it feels like all you can do is send out that mortar strike, and that’s when everything goes boom.

As a wise Greek man once said:

(I actually managed to find the guy behind the quote for once 🥳)

Here’s the trick to do this in an argument:

Let the other person speak fully. Listen carefully. Not with the intention of replying, so that you’re able to repeat what they said back to them.

Once they’re finished, tell them what you heard.

To not make it sound strange or unnatural you can start with: “Okay so what I’m hearing is that…”

And then, and this is key, allow them to correct you if they feel that you got it wrong. This is when your ego can reaaally kick in, so be extra careful there.

Let them rephrase until they’re satisfied that you got their meaning. And only then, reply.

Sometimes, it takes a few tries because we don’t always associate the same meaning or intensity to words.

Bonus tip: As much as possible, try to remember that you aren’t listening to words. You are listening to emotions. You can ask yourself “What feelings and emotion are behind their words?”. There’s gonna be anger, but what else?

Once you can soothe the emotions, you can dive into the problem solving. But first, diffuse the emotions.

Laying Down Your Weapons

The way we tend to fight is ironic and a little funny when you take a step back to analyse it.

Generally if we’re fighting, it’s because there’s something we need that we’re not getting. Whether it’s personal space, feeling seen or your partner hogging the blanket.

But by the time the fighting’s done, we usually haven’t gotten what we needed AND we feel like hitting the other person over the head with a frying pan. (This is not me endorsing domestic violence by the way. Figure of speech.)

When your blood boils and your face starts looking like a bodybuilder’s bicep, it’s very easy to forget what the goal of the argument is:

To find middle ground and negotiate.

A little trick that I find very helpful to focus on solving the issue (rather than being right) is to visualise that there are three of you.

You, your partner and the relationship. And the relationship is like a young child that’s watching the entire thing play out.

And this young child is some little genius that understands every word you’re saying and how you’re saying it. (In fact, it’s borderline annoying how perceptive he/she is).

Holding that image in your mind, act the way you would if he/she was there, and you wanted to protect him/her.

Sounds simple enough, but it’s super effective.

Remember, Nothing’s Actually Wrong

Unless your domestic situation looks like the stuff Johny Depp’s butler sees in his nightmares; remember that fighting is healthy.

Last week, we wrote an article on the 5:1 ratio. A series of studies that showed that couples who don’t fight often enough don’t last. (You can check it out here).

Keep that in mind when your next argument kicks off. Rather than going into it with an “Oh no” mentality, think “Great! Here’s an opportunity to improve the relationship.”

That can completely change the way the argument goes. Because if you’re arguing, you’re already likely annoyed about something. And adding an extra layer of “Oh god we’re fighting. That’s annoying/scary/bad!” won’t help.

And I get it, conflict isn’t fun for anybody (apart from the odd psycho here or there).

I know I hate it, personally. But it’s just part of life.

Embrace it. You’re growing. As a person, and as a couple.

When And Where

Generally, it’s best to deal with things straight away so that they don’t fester. But you have to be able to recognise situations where it’s just not the right moment.

When your partner is going through strong negative emotions that have nothing to do with you or the relationship, for example. If they’re particularly stressed, or sad, or whatever it is. Or if confronting them in the moment would embarras them for example, then it’s best to put a pin in it and deal with it later.

We all have our good and bad moments, and learning to read the situation is a key part of being emotionally intelligent and empathetic.

Sometimes this can change during a fight. Now this is a bit harder to spot, but if you can, try and also stay aware of when things are spinning out of control and walking away is a better decision.

So there you have it, 5 tips that have helped me turn some icky situations into very meaningful conversations. And these don’t need to be confined to your relationship with your partner. They can also help you at work, with your family and in any relationship really.

Apart from maybe with your dog… we might have to write a specific article for that one.

See you next time 🫶