How To Argue Your Way Into A More Fulfilling Relationship

Fighting is bad right? The more you fight in a relationship the worse things are?

Well…

There’s a very interesting study that says maybe not. It’s a little mind blowing actually to be honest.

And this isn’t one of those “It’s not about if you fight, but how you fight” articles.

This study has completely changed our view on what a healthy relationship looks like. And we're excited to share it with you.

If you’re a hot head, this is going to make you smile. If you’re not, you might start considering blowing your top off once in a while.

Why We Avoid Fighting

Unless you’re into emotional BDSM, fighting is never fun.

Maybe the anger feels good in the moment. But as soon as you’re done, you have to face all that sadness and guilt and unpleasantness. All stuff we’d rather avoid.

At the end of the day, we’re all social animals. We need connection and cooperation.

No wonder we’re willing to stuff down and repress things that matter to us so that we can “get along”. Beyond feeling good, it’s a survival instinct.

And survival instincts, keep us safe. But sometimes they get in the way of our own good.

They can make us react inadequately to situations that would make us grow. (Think: fight, flight, freeze.)

A Surprising Study

There's a fascinating study that it isn’t very well known despite it being cited by thousands of psychologists and social scientists.

Way back in 1993, a psychologist called John Mordechai Gottman (pretty cool name) was trying to put numbers on what constitutes a happy relationship.

Now this was not some random guy scribbling on a notebook in his mum’s basement. This is a serious OG of relationship psychology.

He’s authored/co-authored more than 40 books and 200 publications on relationship and mariage success. He’s ranked as one of the top 10 most influential psychologists of the past quarter century. And at the time of the study I’m citing, he was publishing straight out of the University of Washington.

Which admittedly has gone down in ranking, but back then was the sh*t.

Here’s a picture of him just so you know who you’re taking advice from:

Doesn't he look like he’s popped out of a Disney movie to tell you all about luuurv?

The point is, this guy was trying to figure out how you can predict if a relationship will last. He tried many things, and eventually found something simple but effective.

The number of positive vs. negative interactions.

Now if you’re like me, you’d expect lots of positive interactions to be the secret. Lots of love and gooeyness and laughter.

But it turns out, there’s more to it.

No surprise, too many bad interactions was bad for the marriage. On average, relationships wouldn’t last if you had less than 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative. But the interesting thing he discovered was this:

If there were more than 11 positives for every negative, the marriage would also collapse.

And it makes sense if you think about it.

We’re not the exact same person as our partner. Which means we have individual thoughts, and desires and fears. And however much we love each other, sometimes those won’t always match up.

So if you're not having those disagreements and arguments, there's a chance you're stuffing things down.

But it’s by confronting our personal truth with our partner that we can find middle ground. That’s how we find a common truth. And if we find a common truth, then we can have harmony in our relationship.

We all want someone who is going to push back against us a little. Nobody really wants somebody they can walk all over.

So be bold, speak up. Say your truth and trust that whatever the outcome, it’s the best thing that can happen. Because the alternative is just creating a bigger problem in the future.

Of course there are ways to go about making the conflict productive, and that's what we’ll be covering in next week’s article. Drop your email below and we'll make sure you don't miss it!