How To Avoid Long-Distance Relationship Catastrophe

Long distance relationships are many people’s idea of hell. And for good reason too.

First off, it’s a relatively new concept for our monkey brain to wrap itself around. We’ve never had a time in history where we could be in a relationship with someone halfway across the world, AND be in constant contact with them.

And it’s that second part. The “constant contact”, that really puts pressure on a relationship. Because it opens up a Pandora's box of questions like: “Why aren’t they texting back?”

Now add a thick old layer of throw-away culture and hook-up apps on top, and it’s a sour cake to swallow indeed.

Having said that, we all know a couple that seem to just breeze through the whole situation as if they were touched by the grace of God or something. If only us mortals could be so lucky right?

Because not only do they find the right balance, they also make the best of the opportunity, deepening their relationship and growing as individuals in the process!

Now I know, I know… those people are sooo annoying. But let’s put the green-eyed monster back in the box for a second and ask ourselves “Why?” and “How?”.

Who knows… they may have some tricks up their sleeves that we can learn from.

Spoiler alert, they do. And our “love scientists” here at Kupl have been hard at work doing research so you don’t have to!

A Long-Distance Secret: An Attitude For Life

So what is it that these couples do differently? Is it to do with who they are as individuals? Is it their upbringing? Their habits? Or is it maybe more to do with how they relate to their significant other?

It's tough to say that it's unequivocally this, that or the other. Most likely, it's a mix of all the above. But what's certain is that you are not condemned to difficulties in your relationships because of "the way you are" or "your upbringing".

And you're not alone in the struggle. We're right there with you.

Together, we’re going to pick apart what works consistently for couples in long distance relationships, and identify the behaviours and mindsets that will help. Let's add a bit of science to this art.

Take everything as an opportunity.

I know, you’ve probably heard that before. But I really mean everything.

If you took that in fully, that means no more complaining. About any situation. To yourself or to others. What's there to complain about? It's all opportunity. To grow, to learn, to become stronger, to understand the world better... The list goes on and on.

So, coming back to today's problem, the main thing is precisely that. The distance between the two of you is not a barrier, it's an opportunity. It's a chapter in your love story that will add depth, character and resilience to your bond, and to you as people.

Spending time alone will help you better figure out who you are and what you want to bring to the table.

A long-distance relationship is actually more about you versus yourself, than it is about doing the "right things" with the other person.

And you get to choose all that. Consciously.

So hopefully the message is clear: Focus on yourself! Not on worrying about what your partner might be thinking or feeling. And especially not on trying to control the situation.

Once you've done the most important part of approaching things from this mindset, here's a few things to help keep things flowing between the two of you:

1. The Communication Elephant In The Room

Communication is key. We all know that by now. Being honest, vulnerable, avoiding accusations, etc... All that stuff is important, don't get me wrong.

But in a long distance relationship, there's a huge elephant in the room before you even think about "what to say" or "how to say it".

Very often, couples start off with the best intentions of openness and sincerity, only to gradually find themselves drifting apart. And it all comes from a place of fear.

The thing is we tend to expect things from people, or expect them to "just know" what we need/want, instead of telling them. And so a pattern plays out which looks something like this:

You have unspoken expectations that don't get met (which isn't that crazy when you consider that you didn't mention them). Because they aren't met, your brain starts to tell you stories on autopilot. You begin to project intentions on your partner. You run situations over in your head wondering if it was you that did something wrong.

And a cycle begins of switching between blaming them, and blaming yourself. And you push it down and pretend like everything's fine because you think you're overreacting. But the more you push it down, the more you stop being authentic. And the less authentic you are the more you feel disconnected from your partner. And the show goes on, and on.

But we know that ending, we see it coming from miles away, and we're here to dodge those bullets like Neo baby.

via GIPHY

There's actually a pretty simple fix for this issue:

Have you and your partner discussed what makes you feel seen and valued?

Have you clearly defined how much communication you need? Frequency? Type? Specific moments?

And you need to be honest! It might be a bit of an uncomfortable conversation. You might be more needy than you'd like to admit. But once those expectations are clear, agreed upon, and you both commit, everything becomes much easier.

You both know what to expect and you both know when you fail to meet those expectations. Most of all, you're striking a balance between both your needs.

2. Creative Romance In The Digital Age

Just because you're apart doesn't mean you can't do things together. There are many creative ways to do organise little dates online.

• You can have a virtual dinner date: A drink followed by a little Gordon Ramsay cook-off. If you enjoy a bit of competition, you might even make the same meal and see who's the real chef in the relationship.

• You can watch a movie together; the best setup is to have the movie and video call on your laptop and put headphones in. That way you can hear each other's reactions, and comments, without hearing the echo from the movie.

• You could play a board game together either online, or with a bit of a creative camera setup. What better way to stress-test the trust between you two, than a game of Monopoly where you're both the bank?

• You could draw or paint together. A fun little game you can play is to give each other a set of 5 words and create something inspired by the other person's suggestions. The mismatch between what your partner had in mind and what you draw or paint can make for a good laugh.

The possibilities are literally endless. And there are some more "grown-up" games that we'd recommend too. But I'm sure you can figure those out 😏.

Remember to approach these dates with just as much enthusiasm as you would a real date. Rather than "second best".

You're making memories, together. That's what matters.

3. Brain-Tingling Voodoo Magic

Want to know what really gets our brains tingling? Surprises!

That's right, a good surprise will get your brain high on all sorts of funky neurochemistry. (If you thought I was going to say something else, get your mind out of the gutter.)

And you don't have to be in the same place to surprise your significant other - that's the power of the internet. You can make a series of mysterious swiping movements with your thumbs and all sorts of stuff will happen halfway across the planet. Tell me that isn't voodoo magic.

So put those voodoo fingers to work. Get their favourite meal delivered to their door, buy and ship them something they've have their eye on for a while, organise an at-home massage, or even abracadabra yourself to their doorstep.

With the help of brain-tingling voodoo magic you can show your partner you're thinking of them at any time. You'll keep the excitement alive and remind them that you're always looking for ways to make them smile.

4. Air Quality

Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, true. But in long-distance ones, it's literally the air you breathe.

If you don't have that trust built solid inside yourself, your mind is going to test you. It's just the name of the game. One thing to remember is that whatever negative things you're feeling, it's most likely a reflection of something going on inside yourself.

It's tempting (and easy), especially when our partner is always around, to project our frustrations outwards. It's a subtle way of blaming them to avoid looking at ourselves. But when they're not around, you'll have more space to notice what's going in inside of you. Seize the opportunity to give yourself some attention and grow.

Whatever happens, make sure you're very clear on the fact that independence isn't just "something some people need more than others". It's a vital part of personal growth and is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship where you both feel secure, valued, and trusted.

5. The Power Of Dreaming

When's the last time you and your partner dreamt together? I mean properly took the time to sit down and let your imagination run wild.

What does your dream life look like? Where would you live? What adventures do you want to go on? What's on your bucket list?

The goal is to co-create this dream life together. To have fun negotiating with one another. It's a great exercise to do with your partner on a regular basis. The sharing of your desires and dreams creates intimacy. Discussing your ideas and making them "fit" into the big picture will also improve your ability to negotiate.

On top of those juicy benefits, co-creating is great for long distance relationships. When you're discussing your plan for the future, you create a common objective to move towards. It'll provide comfort, motivation, and give you something to look forward to.

It's A Win-Win Situation

I can't lie to you, a long-distance relationship will test you on occasion. But remember: everything that happens is an opportunity (read tip #1 as many times as you need).

And although following these tips can't guarantee that you two will make it, it'll definitely make sure that whatever happens is the best thing for the both of you.

You may build a stronger bond, deepen your connection, build resilience and open up a whole new dimension of partnership and love for yourselves.

But if things go the other way, that's okay too. You will have learnt, grown and gotten one step closer to a truer version of yourself, and by extension, the right relationship.

Either way, you can't lose. So smile 💎